It’s been a few days since my first post regarding this personal journey I am taking by doing something scary every day. But I have been doing something small everyday that does scare me.
First and foremost I want to really stress that these my own insecurities and fears; and what one person might see as silly or pathetic is always different for someone else. Depression and anxiety can have a huge effect on a persons personal life. It can affect the smallest thing like going to the mall alone or eating at a restaurant by yourself seem catastrophic. It is hard to explain to someone who has not gone through it or struggles with it to fully grasp the fear normal day-to-day tasks take on a person. I do not put myself out there my any means, I tend to stay home a lot cleaning or working on something because I feel safe there but it’s been killing me more and more lately. I have been craving company, and fresh air and happiness. I tend to only leave the house if I need something at the store or if I have to go to work and then that’s it. I tend to turn Peoples invitations down because the thought of communicating with more than 1 person; especially if there is someone I don’t know throws me for a mild tail spin of anxiety.
Most people tend to say it’s because of my insecurities is why I won’t go out and then they love to point out my weight as the key to my despair but my weight is hardly the reason. I have been a size small and still felt this way. When I get anxiety it comes on fairly quickly, my vision becomes blurry, I get incredibly dizzy almost vertigo, I can’t breathe, by lungs feel tight and full, my body shakes, my hands shake and I can’t form a normal sentence. I have breathing exercise’s I do now and re think what exactly it is that is bothering me and that seems to help calm me down.
I have some very important life plans coming up and I just am truly craving a chance to be happy and find a way to live and tame the beast that is taking over my life and not letting me enjoy life. So here are a few things that I have done over the last couple days.
1. Tinder-I signed up for Tinder and when I swipe right and there is a match I actually message someone. If they don’t respond or unmatch me I chalk it up to them missing out of the be thing that could have happened to them OR I dodged a bullet because he was obviously a douche.
2. Taking morning walks. This might seem silly because it’s a morning walk….my dog goes on morning walks…..Sure yes….except my dog now is at my folks place and I live in a growing and busy little community now alone where there is lot of very fit people and really it just stresses me out. I love being outside-despite what a lot of people might think-I love the outdoors. I love the air, the wind, the sun the rain I love it all. I like across from Lake Washington and there is this boardwalk that goes around a small portion of the lake. I get a coffee and go walk around that on my days off in the morning. Even if it’s raining I just put a hat on and walk. It makes me feel amazing and I feel more motivated to get off my ass and do something during the day. Every morning I do it, it is a struggle. I have to force myself to do it but when I am done I am so glad I did.
3. My co-worker and I live on the same floor-she invited me over for dinner with her roommate and normally I would have ignored the invite or made up some excuse because I was nervous. This time I didn’t. I got up and walked down the hall and had the best time.
4. On Sundays I now watch Game of Thrones at 6pm on the east coast HBO so I can use the gym at night. Ok even I think this is stupid but here is my logic. I only recently started being more strict about working out. I have been using my classpass and also using the gym at my apartment building. (I will talk about my workout journey for Day 2). The gym in my building tends to get busy around the 6-8 and earlier. It’s not a very big gym either. There are two treads, two ellipticals and two bikes. a few free weights and a couple of weight machines. So if there are a lot of people in there you tend to be limited PLUS I get super anxious when there are a lot of people in the gym. Mostly because since I am overweight I feel like people look at me weird like I shouldn’t be there rather than be motivating because I am there. I have been harassed and teased at a major gym before because of my size which is why I love Classpass everyone-so far is super accepting. Before I would just mope around the house watching tv till 9 then watch Game of Thrones and then watch more tv, do a little work then go to bed. So now if I watch GOT at 6 then I just have dinner and pop down to the gym. I have found working out at night helps me sleep better.
5. Food-My depression and anxiety has recently been fixed by food. It has been a comfort for me. When I was in my 20’s it was alcohol. I was much thinner and didn’t as much but definitely self medicated with alcohol. As I got older and had a pretty bad injury due to alcohol I don’t drink as often and if I do I limit myself but food became a huge comfort that and medication made me gain weight. So for the past week I have been cooking for myself much healthier options, not eating out as much and stricter portion control. I can feel a change in my body and my skin is starting to look a lot better. I have also found some delicious recipes that I love that are very low in calorie and very filling.
The act of change is really within yourself. No one can change you; you must want to change for a change to be successful. So far it’s a struggle to get out of habits but to also that small twinge of happiness I feel once I didn’t something I knew would scare me before is such an amazing feeling.
